It’s to feel the need to be married. It’s alright to desire a romantic relationship with the opposite sex. It’s alright to feel those lonely prangs of having somebody you could call on to or somebody who would always be there for you. It’s okay to desire to be with a man/woman you want to settle down with. It’s perfectly okay to have “been married” as part of your long-term goals. It’s okay to desire to want to be called Mrs somebody. These are real feelings that envelopes real people and should never be invalidated.

Do not let anyone make you think that the desire to get married is an useless one and you should shut it down. Do not let the hate song of “Marriage is hell” or “good men/women are few” make you think that there aren’t those who are have got good partners.

However, it’s totally wrong when this desires supersedes your commonsense such that it’s all you drink and think about. It’s not okay when this desires makes you rush into anyone who wants a relationship with you without verifying about all his/she claims. It’s all wrong when you sit idle only waiting for Mr right to whisk you off to your dreamland. It’s wrong if you think that any guy/woman is doing you a favor by getting married to you. It’s totally wrong when you finally get married and begin to look down on your single friends. It’s wrong when you see the warning signs, but don’t take heed.

As much as the desire to get married burns inside you, please take all the time you need to verify facts. Do not be pressured into getting married. While waiting, do and be all you want to be! It really disturbs me when I see young girls only waiting to just get married. Young girls who don’t know what else to do with their lives.

~ ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Omoby, 2016

Some of us women wouldn’t like people’s pictures on Facebook because there is this inherent thing in us that seems to see only the bad in people. We wouldn’t comment on an exciting woman’s journey because we hate what she’s doing. We wouldn’t say a positive word to a woman or anyone else. We wouldn’t cheer up another woman’s post because we think there should be something she should do better which of course we have answers to. We pride ourselves as being objective and focused, but what’s eating us is deeper than objectivity, it deeper than perfectionism. We are becoming sicker and sicker by the day, but we don’t care as long as the sickness is hidden. Like cancer, one day it would eat all of us and we would be left with nothing of ourselves.

No, I am not talking about desiring the seemingly vague attention social media brings, I am talking about seeing the good in situations, in all things, in all lives, around you, among your friends, at work, even mundane things as what’s on social media.

A lady walks into a room who is gorgeously dressed and your nose is already up in the air picking out stuffs she didn’t do well or questioning her demeanor. Oh we’re already seeing why she did wear a blazer on a trousers and not a skirt? Is she the only one who knows how to walk properly? What about been bitter and seemingly angry because somebody does something better than us? Rather than appreciate such works, we become depressed and sad. Rather than deal with the root cause, we think the problem is everyone else but us.

A lady is successful in her mid thirties or later, yet you begin to tell her or think that she’s incomplete because she’s single. You’re privileged to know another woman’s past so you can now rub it on her face. An obviously successful lady is bad-mouthed by you because you know she’s slept with every Tom, Dick and Harry to get to that position. Another lady posts pictures of her lovely family on Facebook, and you begin to quint your nose, boldly declaring that time would reveal things to her? What things? A lady says confidently that her hubby has never cheated on her and would never do so, but you begin to define her own truth. Why?

You see, I used to think I was simply been objective and pride myself to be a perfectionist been a Melancholy by temperament. When I see female pictures on Facebook, my eyes would immediately pick the things not right with it. Oh she is pretty, but then, why she didn’t do this and that? Although some of these thoughts of mine could be true, but who am I to sit and judge what I think is somebody’s definition of beautiful? And what is the acceptable benchmark of measuring beautiful? Who am I to determine another woman’s definition of wrong or right? When I seem to be jealous of another woman’s gift, I remind myself that the world is large enough to accommodate everyone. Why do I sit and get jealous of her gift while I have done nothing with mine? And whose fault is it? Why do I condemn another woman’s journey? Why do I judge another woman whose relationship or Marriage didn’t work out? Why don’t I focus on my own race? Why do I raise my shoulders higher than necessary because I don’t engage in premarital sex? Why do I think I am better than the other woman because I have an awesome relationship with a great dude? Why I do feel safer because perhaps I sin differently and secretly?

No, it doesn’t mean I would support evil or wrong, but it means I would be gentle on the next woman. I would love and care for her. I would seek to understand her unique journey. Note my word ‘seek’. I would not be quick to put my best foot forward while focusing on her own bad foot. I would be gentle, kind, compassionate and loving.

Here is my declaration: I have chosen not me be an enemy to another woman. I have chosen to support every woman and see the best in them. I have chosen never to judge any woman in my heart and words. When my female friends think of me, I want them to see me as a woman who supports and believes in them. When I am tempted to get jealous of that woman, I would remember that if I reflect deeply, I can see the beautiful gifts I have as well. I’d choose not to compete with another woman. I would see every woman’s world as beautiful. I’d see her journey as unique. I would not use my own standard to measure her life’s choices. I’d see every woman’s mistakes as lessons and not a bait to get back at her. I would choose to use my words to build a woman and not tear her down.

I have made my declaration and it changing something inside of me, I hope you would make same as well.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, Omoby, 2015

Today’s woman should not be afraid to launch out and show the world that entirely she’s got. She is a strong woman who has basic and fundamental understanding of all that God has deposited in her. She is bold and self-assured, pushing through odds to achieve great things. A today’s woman is a confident woman. She is not afraid to make mistakes, yet she goes a step further to use her own mess as a message for others.  She is that woman who doesn’t put others down with those who seem different to her; rather she understands that everyone has her own place and space. She has a sexual lure about her, doesn’t mean she is promiscuous; she is poised, assertive and classy.

Today’s  woman is not threatened by the male gender. She understands that she’s equal to him though different in physical qualities and roles. A today’s woman has been distinctly able to differentiate between religious unbalanced messages and societal and cultural norms, thus not been boxed and manipulated into demeaning messages that curb her into been a blessing to her and the world at large.

A today’s woman should not be subjected to the background. A woman has the qualities to make changes in the environment where she finds herself. A woman prides herself to be intuitive and discerning, hence she can be able to put measures in place to curtail impending dangers. If a woman is allowed the rightful place in the society, given the opportunity to work effectively and explore all the qualities within her, she has great potentials of been the best thing the world has ever experienced.

Today’s woman is constantly growing, relentlessly thriving to be better than she was yesterday. She is constantly on her toes contributing her own quota to humanity, knowing it’s her time and place to stand up and do that she has been called to do. Today’s woman is the best thing the world has ever seen happen, if given the chance and the environment to be all that she has been called to be.

MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT TODAY’S WOMAN

There have been several misconceptions and religious views about the role of women, among which are disagreeing and competing with other groups and denominations in the human race. Each section of the human race, we are faced with its own doctrinal belief and focus of how today’s woman should be shoved to the background and not allowed a word to speak, let alone be who she has been created to be. These beliefs are extreme; right-wing approach to women, twisting the Bible, the Christian’s Holy Book, to mean that a woman should walk ten paces behind her husband, should never talk unless spoken to and also be quiet even in the face of provocation. It has become generally misunderstood for what it now defined feminism by men and women alike.

The feminist woman has been seen and perceived to be a block in the pathway of progress of most people especially the male gender, been misunderstood to be bossy, temperamental and saucy. She is termed a bitch because she understands her purpose, has a career and continuously contributes her own quota to the world at large. On the other hand, some accept that a today’s woman is purpose driven woman who chooses to acts in modern ways and has chosen not to be enslaved by culture and tradition. The today’s woman have been reduced outrightly to one who cannot think for herself, a woman who should have no voice and only be given decisions without questioning such,  like new born chicks, need everything chewed for her by a husband or father or any male figure, before she can digest it.

In the same vein, the today’s woman has been told it is a mistake to be a woman. In workplaces, she has been told that the male gender is the better gender and told of how a woman is not supposed to given technical assignments and or put on salary increase. With political offices, she is told of how a woman should not be given political roles and entrusted with higher responsibilities. In entertainment, jokes of all kinds have been told throughout the world in an attempt to diminish, disregard and make fun of the female gender. Pop, culture, including television sitcoms, movies and advertisements have made tremendous attempt at viewing women as sex slaves and so it doesn’t matter what a woman achieves, she is only as good as her vagina. In modern day, a woman has been told that it doesn’t matter what she has accomplished or attained, she is as useless as dirt if she is not married.

The contemporary world has also made ‘fantastic’ effort in playing out the woman as the only home builder and it didn’t matter the effort of the man as long as he is got a praying wife. Thus, women have been subjected to the only change agents in their homes, frantically praying for a cheating hubby, a promiscuous man and a man who’s not ready to be responsible in his home and to humanity. Society has misunderstood a woman’s role in the society and her home.

Culture has not helped either as it has completely caged and gripped women in abusive marriages in the bid to keep their homes. Traditions have taught women to think that Marriage is all that she is born to do. Consequently, a woman is made to sacrifice her life, her person, her dreams, her vision and her career at the ‘honorable’ altar of Marriage. Today’s woman has been misunderstood to be rude and curtly when she is strongly opinionated and wouldn’t allow herself to be trampled upon either by religious unbalanced messages or from societal and cultural norms. She is been told to fill her mouth with water and keep it there whenever she has a contrary opinion. That way, she is been believed to be quiet and virtuous. What it does, however, is to create a docile woman who has no voice of her own and who has erected strong walls of fears and depression that are extremely difficult to demolish.

I cannot but mention the misconceptions of today’s woman without pointing out the misunderstanding of the word “submission”. She is been told to only cater for the needs of her immediate family and sometimes extended and kill her dreams if she does have one. She is been told that her only primary role on earth is to bear children and breastfeed her husband, a full grown ass man.

She is been told to submit to a man’s instruction regardless of whether she objects to it or not. She is been told to keep her voice and not give opinions. Whilst growing up, she is been trained to be the wife of the home and given all of life’s tutorials on how to be the best wife to a man, who on the other hand is never taught how to be a good man nor educated how be a leader in the truest sense of the word.

Need I mention that culture doesn’t teach woman investment techniques or financial literacy? After all, it is believed that her savings is only supposed to take care of her family and she is only required to save ‘just in case’ she has to take care of her kids and herself, thus many women have no financial vision or plan for their life, only thriving to live at status quo.

HOW CAN A TODAY’S WOMAN BUILD HER HOME?

I do believe the possibility on a today’s woman building a good home starts with choosing a man who supports her dream and one who helps her to achieve more. It is important that a woman pays close attention to male friends who declare boldly that their wives would never earn more than them or who think that a woman’s career should only end in the kitchen. Such jokes or statements should not to be taken with a pinch of salt. While been friends, it is paramount women distinguish between men who are threatened by her career space and those who encourage her. It is important to note that regardless of the feelings a woman has for a man, if she eventually gets hooked to one who is threatened by a woman’s career, chances of her career success are extremely slim.

Secondly, a woman needs to pay attention to her man’s domestic needs and strive to meet them. Such includes cooking, sex, quality time, gifts, acts of service and every love language her man considers important. Although, I am not an advocate of a woman been the sole burden bearer and singular home keeper of her Marriage, however, there is still need for both parties, to strive to create a balance in attending to each other’s domestic needs.

Three, for a today’s woman to succeed in her home, it is important she is married to somebody who also has a career. Now, I am not talking about a man who has a job, but one who has a focused career path envisioned for his own life, a man who can stand independently with his own well defined purpose. Anyone can lose jobs, but a man with a career path knows what next to do when a job closes out on him. With this in place, they both would be able to contribute and bring something tangible to the table. Otherwise, no matter how much a woman endeavors to balance the home front, she will be become overwhelmed and eventually frustrated. Equally, the man feels threatened because he can nolonger be the man that provides for his house, thus frustrating her efforts too.

That is why there is so much emphasis on Single ladies and whom they choose to get married to. Regardless of the pressures that abound greatly, singles should not allow themselves to be boxed into making wrong choices.

Sometimes, this cliché “all men cheat” really gets on my nerves. Other times, its doesn’t because it not referring to the men I have in my own life anyway…

But, it’s not right to state as a fact that all men cheat because you know or have the ones who cheat.

I have no problem if all the men you’ve met, dated, had contacts with, worked with, laughed with, did business with, and you’re related to cheat, but can I request that you don’t choke your own reality with another’s truth?! Biko, don’t use your reggae to spoil another’s blues.

 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, Omoby, 2016.

 

Nothing is as liberating as knowing that your fears are not real. Why they seem to come true is because you’ve put so much energy and faith into them.

Remember that whatever you nurture, would blossom.
If you want to wither your fears, stop nuturing them, stop believing in them, stop listening to them, stop indulging them.

Most men think they score so high with their women when they do the big things for her, like buying her a car, taking her on a holiday etc.They assume they score less when they do the small things, like opening the door for her, buying her flowers or giving her a hug.

He may not understand that to a woman, the little things are just as important as the big things. This is because women need several expressions of love in a relationship to feel loved.

Some other men already know about these things but dont bother to do them because they dont realize how important the little things are to their women.

When a friend asked me how I have been able to come to terms with my slim figure, I did share my story with her. But as I did, I remembered a particular incidence that happened to me in secondary school.

You see, as a teenager, up till my early twenties, I never liked my stature. I just thought I was too thin, with little or no bum. My thighs were not fat. I admired friends in school who had the boobs and bum. You know the way girls’ bum swerves and shakes under their skirts. I wished for one day mine would act same.

So this day, I decided to help myself. Atleast, if you don’t have it. Pretend that you have it. That morning, before going for the morning assembly, I decided to add clothes-pad under my skirt to make my bum look bigger. I folded the clothes neatly and put them in. My panties were tight enough and could hold them firmly, I thought. It felt good. I felt good. Isn’t this the way every girl was supposed to look? Appealing? Attractive?

As we finished morning assembly and as I was about to walk to my class with two friends, I heard it. Paaaaapaappapapapappa. The fall of the clothes-pad all scattered all over my legs, one after the other! As I tried to hold the clothes, it was as if they were on riot. One after the other, they scattered and fell on my legs. Everything I had padded inside my pants were now on the fall…to the full glee of everyone! Few minutes ago, I was feeling good with myself, cat walking and deliberately trying to catch the eyes of those boys who used to ignore me especially Deji. (Deji was the one who made it known to me that I was ugly and that no boy would find me attractive). The next minute, I was enclosed in embarrassment and shame. A mixture of shock and disbelief. A spillway of disgrace and sadness enveloped me instantly.

The two friends beside me, who now had turned back to check what had startled me burst into shock and disbelief. One of them said, ‘Omoby, did you actually put those inside your pants? You are pathetic! You can never be fat o! You are just so stupid! Do you think you can have my kind of bum?’ I remembered that Lolade was one of the lousiest girls in school. She had no chill whatsoever for what just happened. She mocked me carelessly and intentionally. As she ridiculed me, Ronke walked up to me, picked the clothes-pad and handed it back to me. ‘Omoby, let’s go. Everyone is laughing and looking at you.’

If death were near, I would have called him to come take me home. My eyes welled up with tears. Hot bloody tears., I only wanted to look bigger. I just wanted to feel good. This is not my first time; why did this to me. I collected the clothes-pad from Ronke and walked silently beside her. Her arms on my shoulders gave were soft and warm. It gave me the necessary comfort as I walked past the assembly ground to my class.

For the next few weeks in school, I was the talk of school. Everybody made snide remarks about me. The experience further reinforced more hate among other students in class. Most times, I consciously shot my mind to such remarks.

Guess what? This experience did not teach me any lesson as I still found other ways to attach pad under my clothes.

And so today the 23^rd of August as I reminiscence about at my life and how far I have come, I attest that I have come a long way. Oh no! Omoby has become better. If nobody knows this, my bobo is one person who has been at the fore-front of my low self-esteem moments. How did I get to that point where I am now comfortable with myself? How long did it take me? These are questions I am often asked and which I have shared on my blog.

I look back at how far and well I have come and realize it was a journey, my own journey of self discovery and self exploration. It was not a journey I woke up to overnight. I came to that point where I realized that believing the worst about me was not helping me at all…and I needed to do something about it. Days were going. I would not live on earth forever and if I spend the best part of my youth wishing I were someone else, wishing I were fatter, what time left do I have to do the things God has called me to do?

How was I going to live my life now if I thought I was not good enough?? I made a decision that has not only changed my life but has helped me live my best life now.

I want you to know that low self esteem can negatively affect virtually every facet of your life: including your relationships, your job and your health. How did I come to that place of self acceptance? It is possible to learn to accept one’s body?  These are the questions I am often asked. Join me as I share with you practical steps that helped me. I hope it would help you too.

Practise Positive affirmations.

The way that you think about yourself has a huge influence on your self-esteem. If you keep telling yourself that you’re no good, you might just start to believe it even though it’s not the truth. If you keep thinking you are too slim, you would begin to feel not good enough, not able enough and not capable enough, unqualified, incompetent and which would cause you to withdraw among social gatherings and with your own-self too.Thus self destructive attitude often leads to depression among young people.

Truth is, whatever your size or shape, you are still not the most terrible around. I challenge you to embrace your figure. Its who you are. You can be comfortable in your own skin. Say stuffs like…’I am just the best that I can be!. I am comfortable in my own skin. I love myself and I am proud of myself. I am not going to feel bad or inferior. I have my confidence intact. I am me. I am slim. I am beautiful. I am awesome. God loves varieties and He made me slim. He thinks me perfect and that is just who I am. I am perfect’.

Joel Osteen’s words resonates within me. He said in one of his messages. Many of you dont like your legs, your arms, your waist, your eyes or your nose. But would you be willing to sell just one of your legs for a hundred billion pounds? Now, think about it. Take a deep breadth and really think about it. I am talking about £100, 000, 000, 000, 000. 00. Think about what this money can do for you till your fourth generations! Would you be willing to give away your arm or leg for such amount. This tells me that one part of your body is actually worth more than a hundred billion pounds.

Consciously practise this positive self-talk. I must emphasize that all these would not change your mood or change your mindset about yourself overnight, but as you daily thrive to ensure that your thoughts are positive towards yourself, you would begin to come in terms with your figure, your person, your face, your legs and other physical features you have got. Coming in terms with your figure also makes you brighter and happier. Have you met somebody who is so slim (or so fat) yet oozes this self confidence and aura around? This is what happens. Bold and happy people often those who have comes to terms with who they are.

I had and still have a book where I kept positive affirmations. Everyday or as often as I remember, I spoke those words to myself. I did not feel good about myself immediately but I spoke them until I believed them. I challenge you to do the same as well.

2. Don’t compare yourself to others.

Oh my! I am sure you have read my posts of how I used to compare myself with other people especially a particular friend. If no, do read it here: Accepting Yourself

I had friends who seemed better than me. But that was not true, I was only comparing their strengthens with my weakness. I was blind to my own strengths.  I realized that I was not getting any better with comparisons. I am different in my own way. I had stuffs about me that looked great as well. I was not that bad afterall. I could write, paint and draw so well. I have a brilliant and analystical mind that can proffer solutions to immediate problems. I am wise and I am a faithful friend. Honestly, It can really tempting measuring our own worth against other people. So what if your friend has the great figure you just admire. You just have to figure out that you are not bad yourself. Though you may slim, you are healthy. You are fit. You are not ill. You are pretty. Focus on what your niche is. Everyone is great at something – what are your strengths? Find them and explore them.

3. Accept yourself for who you are.

Accept your flaws and mistakes. Accept that you are slim (or fat) and perhaps the tiniest around. Accept that you are not fat and may never be fat. Accept that you look younger than your age. Accept it and brace up for negative talks especially those who wanna wash you down about your stature.

Accept your flaws and mistakes. Accept everything about you. This is where I have gotten to. I have accepted that I would and may never be fat. I have accepted that I am slim, with little boobs, little bum, slim legs, slim arms, tiny feet, slim waist, small lips, small eyes, small nose…etc everything, I have accepted them all!  When you get this point, you will  get to embrace yourself and care less about negative talks.

Sometimes, I get to feel bad seeing others curvier than me, but I have come to terms with accepting my figure and my body. I am a size 6. Not 8, not 4. I look at my naked self in the mirror and smile. I look at the shape of my boobs and bum and declare body that I am comfortable in my own skin. I say things like, ‘Omoby, aren’t you pretty?’ ‘Wow! You are stunning! You are beautiful!’ ‘See you! Your skin is flawless. You are dark and gorgeous!’Gradually with positive confirmations about my body, I came to terms with my body.

4. Wear clothes that accelerate your figure.

I remember when I started wearing slim clothes, having burned and given out all the oversize clothes. A friend looked at me and said I was looking skinny. I guess because of his religious and conservative views, he had this opinion about my change of clothes. What he did not understand was that I now felt comfortable in my own skin and that boosted my self esteem. Another friend admitted that I appeared better and he did not like slim ladies, but seeing the way I accelerated my figure, he was tempted to admire my looks.

Before this time, I did not think cloth makers made clothes for slim people. I would always feel bad slimming clothes and all. After all the slim-fit, of course because the clothes were not originally made for small sizes, they would look awkward. However, when I travelled to England for my second degree, I was shocked that majority of the clothes there were for slim people. For the first time in my life, I saw clothes in size 4, 6 and 8. Oh my! I remember how good I felt with myself when I wore a lovely size 6 dress. I felt so sexy. I am not talking about been sexually appealing, but talking about looking good and feeling good in your own skin. I realized that wearing the clothes that suits your size helps to boost your self esteem. Right now, if its not size 6, I dont wear. I only look for size 6 clothes.

Secondly, even when I have to sew, I emphasize that the clothes must be to my size. I dont wear big clothes or over-size clothes anymore. I just like that a 6 yard material can have me sew more than a style for my kind of stature.

NB: I am not sure if I would eventually get fatter someday but while I wait, I am committed to living my best life now! I am not going to waste any moment wishing I was fatter or wishing to be like someone else. I am committed to accelerating my physical features whilst improving on myself.

If you would would like to share your story with me, do send me a mail on omobyadex@yahoo.com

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, Omoby, 2016.